Willingtone's World

The Good The Bad And The Freemasons

2008-05-27T04:39:00.000-07:00

I must start this tale by saying that if it hadnt of been for the clan of staddon i would be writting this from a prison cell, as i would have commited mass murder but i will state now it would have been worth it!

It's 5.30 am i find myself asleep in a consvertry, im comfortable and blissfully unaware of the perils im about to face this day, a knock at the door awakes me from my slumber, with my body in a state of shock i manage to speak one word and one word only TEA is the cry, i hear a chuckle from the next room and the clicking on of the kettle, all is right with the world! I wake up slowly and swing a tired leg down to the floor grab the nearest clothes and head off to the bathroom i pass the bright blue kettle knowing soon that i will drink its goodness i carry on saying hello to Hel as i pass, as maker of the tea she is also the most important person in the world at this point in time but i didnt let her know this fact in case she went mad with power! i do the usual morning things in the bathroom expect one i had no time to poo but thought nothing of it and carried on, down stairs i went and drank my tea it was good, a black car pulled up outside it was time to go. I dont remember much of the journey apart from Hels mom been far to active for me luckely hel got the brunt of it and i could stare out of the window looking at all the lucky people still in there homes! We turned onto a golf course and parked up to a very odd looking fellow in a shirt and tie, bit overdressed i thought to vist a building but knowing what i do know about this man it was the tip of an iceberg. There was a knock at the window hel opened the door and a girl named jude said hello she jumped in the car as did her fella a bloke called Chris, it was a tight fit and my gonads where not very happy about the situation they found themselfs in, jude had news the coach had broken down and her dad had gone to sort it out the omens for this day where already clear but news filted through that a replacement was on its way it would appear the almighty has a sense of humour.
We clambered aboard the coach this metal casket was to be my tomb for the next 3 hours but least hel was in the same boat, out of the mases of people a rather frumpy looking women came bounding up to me "i dont know you" she proclaimed, not to sure what she wanted to do next as she was one of the mason types i had unwhittedly infortrated i decided to mirror her words "well i dont know you" was my reponse, she walked passed danger adverted for now! Hel told me her name was Jean and one of the reasons i was sitting on this coach to say we didnt bond on this trip would be a understament i think she could honestly smell the council estate on me. With everyone aboard we started on our journey an old women was sitting behind and started rabbiting on about the state of the coachwe had gone by my reckening 50 yards and the hag was moaning to my eyes there was nothing wrong with the coach as this was going on to my front a gentleman stood up and started to make an annoucment this was, Angus head of the fruit loops and also a man so wrapped up in his own self importance im surprised he managed to get onto the coach. Telling us the days iteraniry he made his way to the back of the coach, the muppets to my rear had been doing some research and it turned out that the coach had no hot water. The women was now had a face like Hitler when he got his gas bill, this clearly was not what she had expected when she had paid 20 quid for a return trip to london and entrance to the Grand Lodge! "this just wont do she cried, its an absolute discrace" Angus sensing his moment to be important charged down to let him know of the global disaters that was happening at the back of his coach, i do belive there was talk of a helpline been set up to help the victims of this tradgy! Worse was yet to come the toilet didnt work either we where now in fully scale melt down the womens voice escalting to levels only labradours car here i felt so sorry for our caine friends at that point there they are playing with a teddy of sleeping and out of the wilderness this high piched wail comes over the hills "this is not what ive come to expect, get my leagal aid im going to sue" the number of dog suicides must have gone up that day to all those who lost there lives im sorry but you made the right choice. oh by the way im not making it up about them threating to sue.
" i wont make it to london without tea and a toilet" after much debate the decsions was made to stop at a services, personally i would have let the cow piss herself blaming a change in the gravitonal field which now prevented from entering any services for the entire day but thats just me. Angus rose to his feet again wiped the sweat from his brow standing making sure all eyes where on him he cleared his throat "Firstly i must say that this coach is an absoulte disgrace and that the driver should be ashamed of bringing such a vechile on the road, there is no hot water and no toilet we shall now have to stop at a services for this facillities im in the process of contacting the owner of the coach company to voice my concerns to him, all will be done to put right this disater" at that point i did wonder i had actually died and i was in a sort of dreamworld because apart from no hot water the coach was fine and there was fuck all you could do about it so please shut up and lets carry on also if i would been the Roy the driver i would have slamed the breaks on and planted the great tit on his arse, firstly he just picked up the coach from the depot and is in no way responsible for what state it is in as that is down to the depot staff and also its 3 sodding hours not days!
Meanwhile me and hel amuse ourselfs well mostly im saying what the hell have you done to me bringing me on this trip u knew it would be like this didnt u, she spent most of the time laughing and agreeing, as we approached the services a rumbleling sensation went on down stairs be still my pet i whispered soon u can poo. Off i went to the lav found a nice cubicle sat down and pushed a fart and then nothing i know its there i can feel it in my bowels i push again hoping i give birth to a healthy brown baby but no nothing was happening i gave up after a while as i didnt not wanna risk any damage to my ring and split ring would not make my day! i opend the cubical door and im faced with the biggest ass i have ever seen honestly i thought i had put to much effort into pooing and i was now orbating a planet on my way to meet the maker, turns out it was just a really fat bloke but still it scared me for a moment. Meeting back with hel and her praents i decided not to tell her of my problem and carried on, all around me where west brom fans on there way to wembley ironic really i was surounded by shit and i couldnt go!
We got back on the coach and a sweap stake was taken for the national (yep its taken that long for me to write this) i enter pick out a french horse and just reside myself to losing (it finished last) we enter london angus has got up several times to moan about the coach and just wanted to let everyone else know he was annoyed, well mate so am i im sitting on this fecking coach surrounded by highly strung numpties, ive had very little sleep as i didnt go to bed till 2am and whats worse i cant take a shit and its starting to hurt now but im not standing up making annoucments about it am i.
We arrive at or destirnation the grand municlple lodge of the freemasons its a rather grand building we enter into the abyiss and are instructed to wait in a room upstairs, after a while a man comes to see us he will be our tour guide and as we are all masons here he dont mind if we take pictures oh yes theres no turing back now, as he starts the tour he informs us that the masons are a charity and do alot for or community (im going to say chizz now these people kept him outside so how good is that for the community) . We walk down a marble corridor now ive been to a few charites in my time and none of them had pillars made of marble or gold all over the celling, but i dont know oxfam may have changed since my last visit, he stops at an altar and tells us a story which quite frankly was a pile of bollock and i will not repeat just think relious brain washing and you will get the jist he was also annoyed that a film crew had bent a spear on the altar and that it would cost thousands to replace there where in the process of suing mmmmm ive heard that before today im sure of it!
We make our way to two huge bronze doors they are very impressive i have to say but still wondering if a wooden door would have served the same purpose and they could have given much more to charity but hey they know best. "look how easy these doors open not a single squeak testiment to the craftmenship of the masons who created it" now to me it was the can of wd40 they put on the hinges but what do i know im not a fruit loop! We enter through the doors to there church and are told to take a seat, he tells us to look at the celling he goes on to tell us that for 75 years this building has stood tall in the grace of god and nothing had fallen down, well im sorry but my house has been standing for almost the same amout of time and guess what its sit standing too its called foundations not god you numpty, he tells us about the tiles on the celling seems very pround of them, he then tells us to look at the big chair at the end of the room thats the grand masters throne he starts u may sit in it and take photos if you wish but its our secret! I sit in it and have my picture taken and in all honest its a cheap wooden chair with a bit of gold leaf on the arms and bloody uncomfatble to boot not to mention the chips in it shoody get yourself to ikea! We walk round the rest of the church and i discover a trap door i thinking its where they keep the goat for the slaughter but i dared not investigate in case i found much worse!
Remember the dude in the suit? well no he is sitting in the chair and i do belive he has a bonner this chair to him is the greatest thing in the know world he has at least 10 pictures taken and returns to sit at lest 3 times, i do hope he never goes to dfs as he may make a terrible mess for the assistants! The guide summons us over hes at the doors again i look behind me and the man obssesed with the chair has now set up a tri pod and is taking more pics of the chair his wife seems pround of this fact! anway back to the doors "see this gap? its remained constant between the doors since they where erected". Again im sorry its 2 foot thick bronze it dosent breath like wood so of course the gaps the same you pillock it has nothing to do with the grace of god! The tour is over and we look at some other attifactes which i quickly forgot apart from a device that was hidden in the courner of the room that looked like a sysmorgragh personly i think it was there to monitor the bullshit been spouted!
We dash fro the exit of this freakshow and breathe the free air it has never been so sweet looking round to make sure there are no masons following we are save, myself, Hel and her parents race into the choas of london leaving the masons firmly behind us!!!! To be countiued......

Brown Bus

2008-02-16T09:28:00.001-08:00

Hello again fellows, let me tell you a story of such frightening porpotions i advise you to turn back now as this is not for the faint of heart, you see today on my way home i almost took the next step to the retirment home and came very close to filling my pants with poo!
I had spent the previous night at Mr Fords, was a plesant evening listening to some music a couple of whiskeys and general chit chat, we also decided to have a curry as i have not had one for a very long while i decided it was a good idea, First Mistake!
On awaking this morning there was something unusual going on down in my engine room (mind out to the gutter please people thats my job) i didnt need a number 2, i thought this was odd as i was farting like a trooper but i wasnt going to force the issue, Second Mistake!
Anyway ater watching Top Gear and several cups of tea i decided to depart i still had no urge to drop the kids off at the pool, which was really odd given the curry the night before but i carried on regardless, got on the bus and made my way back home, Final Mistake!
I sat down, there was the usual amount of tossers on the bus but nothing new there, as the bus made its way down the road i felt something rumble in my stomach that familar need of yes i needed a turd! knowing i was just at the start of my journey i was in trouble! the bus carried along its route making good time the need to poo growing but i could hold it off, about halfway through its journey the bus started to have a severe loss of power to its engine. The bus vibrated violently as the driver tried to get it going again this caused the dull pain in my bowels to increase and made the need to lay down the cable increase ten fold, we finally arrived in stourbridge where i had to change bus, although feeling the need i thought i could still hold on till home so jumped on the bus for my final leg, sitting on the top deck i relaxed and off we went all was going fine until.... fear gripped at my very heart oh my god i had FARTED!!!!!
I had reached defcom 3 i was at full brown alert with 4 miles to go, preying to bogdan i would make it home in time, my mind wondered to the huggies adverts where the mother is so happy the kid has had a crap, well im 24 and i dont think my mother would have the same response if i walked in proclaming i had shate myself babies they have it easy.
I was now on the home straight i was also now farting like a machine gun, honestly my arse could have been used on the western front to stop the Hun. As i we approached the speed bumps i held on to the rail in front for dear life my knuckles turned white and i held my breathe i was about to have a brown baby if i relaxed for just a moment!
Getting off the bus i was now prairie dogging down the street my house was in sight, i raced in with a clenched arse and saw the toilet it was beautiful, i sat down and made some very happy noises oh it was heaven! finishing sometime later all sense of space and time was lost to me im afraid i was the most releved man in the world.
So i say to you these words, always crap before you depart because next time it could be your pants!

Retirement Of The Tone

2008-01-23T13:14:00.000-08:00

Its with a heavy heart that i announce the retirement of "The Tone." And heavy is the operative word, you see its time i got back into some kind of shape, i have become rather more festively plump than i would like to be,i mean for god sakes i cant even take a swim now a days without causing a media storm http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iA_uwuYl2VU. This is not a New Years resolution its more of a don't drop dead at 30 resolution. I was so dam proud of myself last time i made this change in my life and then as soon as i was happy i stopped and as you know its back to square one, well this time i feel i have learnt from my mistakes and I'm dam sure gonna do it this time! I'm ready for all the girl comments that will surely come my way but please understand I'm doing this for the better i wanna look in the mirror and feel something other than shame!

Now with the serious stuff out the way let me tell you about my visit to the gym. Whoever said exercise is good for you is talking out of their arse, in fact i just reckon its just a ploy to suck as much money out of you before you pop your clogs as possible, at no point did i think wow i could be having a pint right now but i would rather be doing this. Anyway i have got ahead of myself so back we go to earlier in the day.
I walked in to the leisure centre said hey to the strange little thing behind the counter, it said her name was Debbie on her name tag seemed to know me i didn't have a clue. Walked into the gym and into and straight into the changing rooms, fear gripped my heart and a horrible thought entered my mind i remember these changing rooms and every time i enter there is always a stark bollock naked old man in there, i held my breath and prayed to Bogdan this was not gonna happen again, the door opened with a creak and sure enough right in my eye line was a 50+ year old browneye winking back at me as if to say welcome back! Why does this always happen do they lie in wait and as soon as the mark enters the area a radio message comes to them 3,2,1 Chuck a browneye Cyril! Anyway back to the story, so after my pleasant greeting i decided it was the norm and got changed Cyril unknown to me has moved to my right so as i turned to grab my trainers out of my bag despair fills my very soul! yes Cyril is now body flossing and giving me full view of old man dong!!!! The gym is good for you Christ i have almost vomited twice and i haven't done anything yet! The door opens and another old man comes in i decide he looks like a Trevor he also starts to nude up, so i leg it past the naked men and leave em to it i have seen enough already today. I get on the bike and the muscles grown back at me as i peddle away and i swear i have never felt so bad in my life i could hear my body screaming, after i had finished my legs where jelly, yep this gonna be a long road! I plow on and it starts getting better, i do admit i wanted to give up at one point but pride wasn't gonna let me, anyway i move on the end of my circuit and there's this guy who obviously thinks he is ace staring at me as if to say I'm better than you, well im sorry mate but at this point in time a jaffa cake is fitter than me, would you stand next to Beckham, Brad Pitt etc and do the same? i think not, so bugger off and take your mincy faggot balls with you!
I Finish my workout tired but happy closing my eyes i walk into the changing room, woot no naked bloke so i get changed but i cant help noticing a musky aroma in the air, thinking it must be me i spray some lynx on and carry on. That smells is now getting more pungent, i look to the right and see the toilet door is shut! yes that's right someone is taking a mighty dump while I'm getting changed just great, its so bad my eyes start to water as just as i leave the toilet flushes and out comes a rather portly fellow, i turn to him tears streaming and say "fuck me have you just slaughtered a cow in there"? He laughed and said "better out than in" and off he trotted.
I'm off there again tomorrow with some trepidation but its for the greater good.

P.s "The Tone" is available for Birthday parties, weddings and bar mitzvah's

Dead Horse

2008-01-16T13:28:00.000-08:00

Well its been a bloody long while since i have written anything here so for that i must apologise, in truth i haven't really had anything to say.
well you will be pleased to know that finally something has happened that has made me pick up the keyboard and have a wee rant cos lets face it know one wants to read what i have been up to 4 cups of tea, brought the sun and peed 4 times (prolly the tea) not very interesting really is it?! Anyway back on subject i have always said don't let work effect your personal life and for most i my working life i have never had a problem. Well today it finally happened I'm suppose to be out right now watching a film and having a laugh but that's not happened because I'm so god dam angry that i don't think i would be A) much fun and B) don't want cause trouble for Hel as its her friends i was meant to be out with. So here's my story and it may get heated

The day didn't start well i had trouble sleeping last night didn't get my head down till 2.30am at around 4.00 am i woke in quiet alot of pain in my back it felt as if someone standing on my back and pulling my neck up which wasn't pleasant anyway got back to sleep again at about 4.30am i woke up again at 6am and then failed to get back to sleep even the Simpson's failed me so with not much sleep i got dressed and headed to work.
At work i found waiting for me a letter written by the christian informing me that she hasn't done the stock takes and basically spent the last two days on the phone and doing sweet fa! this didn't got get a positive response from me in fact i do believe "for fuck sake" was shouted. I work all day on the Sunday and in my time there i get all the end of week paper work done the figures sorted and all the general crap that needs to be done i also get at least half of the stock takes done there are usually 3 and i at the very least get 1.5 done, i have Monday and Tuesday off and come back to work on Wednesday given that i work in an off licence its not exactly the height of activity at the start of the week, so you would think seems she has over double the time i have she could at the very least get the stock takes finished, well guess what she didn't which i think is a fucking joke and I'm sick of it happening every week I'm fed up of been a dogs body and having to do every job that involves lifting and building things (that could be done by all people) all because i have a penis, well let me tell u something my member has done many things but as of yet it hasn't pulled itself out of my boxers and help me screw in a shelve or a piece of display kit and it has never lifted a case of beer or wine and u know what i don't think Mr Peeps every will.
So with the onslaught of customers including one women who didn't understand that 15+15 = 30 my day was heading down the pan, i then proceed to look at the rotas for the next month and sure enough I'm working every Friday, sat and Sunday night some weeks the rota isn't even complete apart from me working those nights and that's what really fucks me off i don't mind working my fair share and as asst manager i understand i have to work more than most however for the past 3 months or so i have done every one and its just not on! What takes the piss even more is the fact that we have one guy who never works a weekend and goes round boasting this fact and the christian been dumb lets him get away with it, and do u wanna know the reason for him never working weekend its because apparently its the only time he gets to see his Gf who by the way looks like a badger with a stick up its arse!!!! I'm sorry but that is not a valid reason for not working we all have things to do, what if i said I'm sorry i cant work Saturdays because its the only day i can have a toss and i wanna do that somehow i don't think i would get time off and when it all comes down to it its basically it's the same thing, when you take on a job you do it to the needs of the people you work for not for what benefits you!! So now rather angry and this situation i get a vist from the christian who goes on to moan that we haven't been sent a bottle of rum or something well again what can you do about it unless u can magic one out of your arse then shut up please I'm sick of it i don't care if we took a million quid or a fiver in a week I'm still gonna get paid the same so frankly i don't give a toss anymore!
These events the lack of the sleep the pain in my back, the lack of work been done, treated like a slave and general constant moaning and alot of other things going wrong so much so i had to stay over an hour after work which i wont get paid for and also some annoing matters outside of work put me in a very bad mood and meant i had to cancel my plans for tonight which has annoyed me most of all. I don't want to feel that work has put me in a situation where i need to go home and cool down instead of enjoying my life and to Hel I'm truly sorry as it looks bad on her and me that i wasn't in attendance and maybe seemed like i didn't want to spend time with her friends and boyfriend when really i did and i will make up for that soon, i sadly didn't get to speak with her before i wrote this to convey my reasons for dropping out, so if your reading this now Hello :)
I truly feel like I'm kicking a dead horse and as Gnr said its been bringing me down, well its not happening again I'm not taking this shit anymore!!!

The Electrician

2007-10-18T00:26:00.000-07:00

Today i had a vist from a sparky at work, he came into do a routine check or something i wasn't really listening to tell you the truth. He had a ll the right papers so i let him get on with it. He set up his laptop and everything as going grand until he started asking me daft questions, like has this system been here for 20 years? I'm 23 if it has i was 3 when it was installed how do i know at that point in my life i was happy taking a dump by myself nevermind knowing if the electric system at my future work was been installed.
As he asked me these questions i couldn't help but notice he was touching himself he started with his backside which i thought fair enough everyone needs a scratch now and then but then he moved to a place called palmdale, i then noticed now that i had woken up a fair bit he wasn't wearing anything under his overalls, i can tell you i was having flash backs to when the gay guy who wanted me to "rest in his bed" in a past job but that another story, he carried on but everytime he stopped to talk to me he was grabbing his member and letting out a sigh when he was finished!!!
Sweat now pouring from my brow i had a healthy fear of man love deep in my heart i frantically texted Hel knowing if i seemed busy he would stop talking to me toilet sanctuary was not an option. This worked briefly until the replies fell silent seems she was at work i will let her off, so back he went to talking and touching himself. He had now undone a few button saying he was hot!
I now reached for the nearest Sharp object if Mr Peeps came out to play he was changing religion that's for sure, finally he packed up his stuff and went away but not before rubbing his love pump and trying to shake my hand, he didn't get a handshake that's for sure.
Kicking him out the door my backside and I both breathed a sigh of relief. I don't know why i keep getting these weirdo's i just wish it would stop, I have lost enough hair Already!!!!

That Time Of Year

2007-10-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again, when we prepare to celebrate no not Halloween, it's Christmas!!!! sorry i mean Winterville don't want to offend anyone now do we (altogether now WANKERS), by now your probably looking at the date and thinking wtf!?
You see i work in retail and i have just found out that my Christmas this year starts on October 31st, yes that's right for the next two months i have gotta spread good will to all men. Well you know what this year it can go do one!!! There is no way I'm hanging bits of holly in the window when its not even December! Granted its not the worse thing we have had in the window, last year we had a reindeer who looked like Santa had been playing hide the sausage with, the year before that we had a pissed up Santa who looked like he wanted to give all the children a special present!
So anyway people wonder why everyone in retail looks like they have been violated by Red Rum in the last week of December, well i will tell you. It's because after two months of Slade, Bing Crosby etc... The words Merry Christmas send us into a blind fury! It's like someone walking over to me with a big beaming smile and saying "Hey i have just humped your mother and you know what here's the video for you to watch!!!"
AHHHHHH sod off you happy soul i have been stuck in this living hell for two bastarding months, so go off to your office party, bang that munta who smells a little funny, drink yourself stupid and give useless tat to your loved one's.
As for me i will be following the wise words of Kevin Bloody Wilson "shove your Christmas up your arse ho ho fucking ho"

Welcome

2007-10-14T12:34:00.000-07:00

Hello there and welcome,
I would say this is my blog but that's pretty bloody obvious seems your reading it and if you have stumbled across it then I'm sorry to disappoint you but there is no porn here. I would like to start off with a warning if you are offend by or have:

Swearing
Anything UN-PC (if you are slow PC as in political correctness, not personal computer)
A deep routed religious view
A love of the elderly
If you are a hippy
A love of children
A high morale standpoint

then i would advise you to not read this as you will not enjoy its contents, go on click the x in the top right corner find something to your liking like maybe saving a rare piece of grass or something i don't know whatever floats your boat.

Right now that all the do gooding wankers,religious fruit cakes and carers of the elderly have gone we can carry one

ABOUT BOGDAN
You will often here me referring to Bogdan.Bogdan came into my life many years ago, he is a being of mythical qualities spreading good and preforming miracles around the land, his first been turning a white towel into a blue one, he speaks a language few can understand however after many years studying him i have started to understand a few worlds conversation can be difficult, i will reveal more about Bogdan as time goes by including my introduction to Bogdan the Pilot.

ABOUT THE CHRISTIAN
I work with the christian and she is a constant bane in my life, i can honestly say i have never met anyone in my life who winds me up to the same degree. She is also the most anal person i have ever met, i call here a Christan however i am a firm believer that she is part of a cult who meet in a scout hut once a week to praise the lord above, to say there abit more extreme then your usual church goers is like saying Americans are just festively plump, I'm sure i will comment about her in the future so its best i say who she is now.

As the days and weeks go by i will update you on whats going on,whats pissed me off and delve further into the world of Bogdan. See you again and hail Bogdan