The Good The Bad And The Freemasons

I must start this tale by saying that if it hadnt of been for the clan of staddon i would be writting this from a prison cell, as i would have commited mass murder but i will state now it would have been worth it!

It's 5.30 am i find myself asleep in a consvertry, im comfortable and blissfully unaware of the perils im about to face this day, a knock at the door awakes me from my slumber, with my body in a state of shock i manage to speak one word and one word only TEA is the cry, i hear a chuckle from the next room and the clicking on of the kettle, all is right with the world! I wake up slowly and swing a tired leg down to the floor grab the nearest clothes and head off to the bathroom i pass the bright blue kettle knowing soon that i will drink its goodness i carry on saying hello to Hel as i pass, as maker of the tea she is also the most important person in the world at this point in time but i didnt let her know this fact in case she went mad with power! i do the usual morning things in the bathroom expect one i had no time to poo but thought nothing of it and carried on, down stairs i went and drank my tea it was good, a black car pulled up outside it was time to go. I dont remember much of the journey apart from Hels mom been far to active for me luckely hel got the brunt of it and i could stare out of the window looking at all the lucky people still in there homes! We turned onto a golf course and parked up to a very odd looking fellow in a shirt and tie, bit overdressed i thought to vist a building but knowing what i do know about this man it was the tip of an iceberg. There was a knock at the window hel opened the door and a girl named jude said hello she jumped in the car as did her fella a bloke called Chris, it was a tight fit and my gonads where not very happy about the situation they found themselfs in, jude had news the coach had broken down and her dad had gone to sort it out the omens for this day where already clear but news filted through that a replacement was on its way it would appear the almighty has a sense of humour.
We clambered aboard the coach this metal casket was to be my tomb for the next 3 hours but least hel was in the same boat, out of the mases of people a rather frumpy looking women came bounding up to me "i dont know you" she proclaimed, not to sure what she wanted to do next as she was one of the mason types i had unwhittedly infortrated i decided to mirror her words "well i dont know you" was my reponse, she walked passed danger adverted for now! Hel told me her name was Jean and one of the reasons i was sitting on this coach to say we didnt bond on this trip would be a understament i think she could honestly smell the council estate on me. With everyone aboard we started on our journey an old women was sitting behind and started rabbiting on about the state of the coachwe had gone by my reckening 50 yards and the hag was moaning to my eyes there was nothing wrong with the coach as this was going on to my front a gentleman stood up and started to make an annoucment this was, Angus head of the fruit loops and also a man so wrapped up in his own self importance im surprised he managed to get onto the coach. Telling us the days iteraniry he made his way to the back of the coach, the muppets to my rear had been doing some research and it turned out that the coach had no hot water. The women was now had a face like Hitler when he got his gas bill, this clearly was not what she had expected when she had paid 20 quid for a return trip to london and entrance to the Grand Lodge! "this just wont do she cried, its an absolute discrace" Angus sensing his moment to be important charged down to let him know of the global disaters that was happening at the back of his coach, i do belive there was talk of a helpline been set up to help the victims of this tradgy! Worse was yet to come the toilet didnt work either we where now in fully scale melt down the womens voice escalting to levels only labradours car here i felt so sorry for our caine friends at that point there they are playing with a teddy of sleeping and out of the wilderness this high piched wail comes over the hills "this is not what ive come to expect, get my leagal aid im going to sue" the number of dog suicides must have gone up that day to all those who lost there lives im sorry but you made the right choice. oh by the way im not making it up about them threating to sue.
" i wont make it to london without tea and a toilet" after much debate the decsions was made to stop at a services, personally i would have let the cow piss herself blaming a change in the gravitonal field which now prevented from entering any services for the entire day but thats just me. Angus rose to his feet again wiped the sweat from his brow standing making sure all eyes where on him he cleared his throat "Firstly i must say that this coach is an absoulte disgrace and that the driver should be ashamed of bringing such a vechile on the road, there is no hot water and no toilet we shall now have to stop at a services for this facillities im in the process of contacting the owner of the coach company to voice my concerns to him, all will be done to put right this disater" at that point i did wonder i had actually died and i was in a sort of dreamworld because apart from no hot water the coach was fine and there was fuck all you could do about it so please shut up and lets carry on also if i would been the Roy the driver i would have slamed the breaks on and planted the great tit on his arse, firstly he just picked up the coach from the depot and is in no way responsible for what state it is in as that is down to the depot staff and also its 3 sodding hours not days!
Meanwhile me and hel amuse ourselfs well mostly im saying what the hell have you done to me bringing me on this trip u knew it would be like this didnt u, she spent most of the time laughing and agreeing, as we approached the services a rumbleling sensation went on down stairs be still my pet i whispered soon u can poo. Off i went to the lav found a nice cubicle sat down and pushed a fart and then nothing i know its there i can feel it in my bowels i push again hoping i give birth to a healthy brown baby but no nothing was happening i gave up after a while as i didnt not wanna risk any damage to my ring and split ring would not make my day! i opend the cubical door and im faced with the biggest ass i have ever seen honestly i thought i had put to much effort into pooing and i was now orbating a planet on my way to meet the maker, turns out it was just a really fat bloke but still it scared me for a moment. Meeting back with hel and her praents i decided not to tell her of my problem and carried on, all around me where west brom fans on there way to wembley ironic really i was surounded by shit and i couldnt go!
We got back on the coach and a sweap stake was taken for the national (yep its taken that long for me to write this) i enter pick out a french horse and just reside myself to losing (it finished last) we enter london angus has got up several times to moan about the coach and just wanted to let everyone else know he was annoyed, well mate so am i im sitting on this fecking coach surrounded by highly strung numpties, ive had very little sleep as i didnt go to bed till 2am and whats worse i cant take a shit and its starting to hurt now but im not standing up making annoucments about it am i.
We arrive at or destirnation the grand municlple lodge of the freemasons its a rather grand building we enter into the abyiss and are instructed to wait in a room upstairs, after a while a man comes to see us he will be our tour guide and as we are all masons here he dont mind if we take pictures oh yes theres no turing back now, as he starts the tour he informs us that the masons are a charity and do alot for or community (im going to say chizz now these people kept him outside so how good is that for the community) . We walk down a marble corridor now ive been to a few charites in my time and none of them had pillars made of marble or gold all over the celling, but i dont know oxfam may have changed since my last visit, he stops at an altar and tells us a story which quite frankly was a pile of bollock and i will not repeat just think relious brain washing and you will get the jist he was also annoyed that a film crew had bent a spear on the altar and that it would cost thousands to replace there where in the process of suing mmmmm ive heard that before today im sure of it!
We make our way to two huge bronze doors they are very impressive i have to say but still wondering if a wooden door would have served the same purpose and they could have given much more to charity but hey they know best. "look how easy these doors open not a single squeak testiment to the craftmenship of the masons who created it" now to me it was the can of wd40 they put on the hinges but what do i know im not a fruit loop! We enter through the doors to there church and are told to take a seat, he tells us to look at the celling he goes on to tell us that for 75 years this building has stood tall in the grace of god and nothing had fallen down, well im sorry but my house has been standing for almost the same amout of time and guess what its sit standing too its called foundations not god you numpty, he tells us about the tiles on the celling seems very pround of them, he then tells us to look at the big chair at the end of the room thats the grand masters throne he starts u may sit in it and take photos if you wish but its our secret! I sit in it and have my picture taken and in all honest its a cheap wooden chair with a bit of gold leaf on the arms and bloody uncomfatble to boot not to mention the chips in it shoody get yourself to ikea! We walk round the rest of the church and i discover a trap door i thinking its where they keep the goat for the slaughter but i dared not investigate in case i found much worse!
Remember the dude in the suit? well no he is sitting in the chair and i do belive he has a bonner this chair to him is the greatest thing in the know world he has at least 10 pictures taken and returns to sit at lest 3 times, i do hope he never goes to dfs as he may make a terrible mess for the assistants! The guide summons us over hes at the doors again i look behind me and the man obssesed with the chair has now set up a tri pod and is taking more pics of the chair his wife seems pround of this fact! anway back to the doors "see this gap? its remained constant between the doors since they where erected". Again im sorry its 2 foot thick bronze it dosent breath like wood so of course the gaps the same you pillock it has nothing to do with the grace of god! The tour is over and we look at some other attifactes which i quickly forgot apart from a device that was hidden in the courner of the room that looked like a sysmorgragh personly i think it was there to monitor the bullshit been spouted!
We dash fro the exit of this freakshow and breathe the free air it has never been so sweet looking round to make sure there are no masons following we are save, myself, Hel and her parents race into the choas of london leaving the masons firmly behind us!!!! To be countiued......