Retirement Of The Tone

Its with a heavy heart that i announce the retirement of "The Tone." And heavy is the operative word, you see its time i got back into some kind of shape, i have become rather more festively plump than i would like to be,i mean for god sakes i cant even take a swim now a days without causing a media storm http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iA_uwuYl2VU. This is not a New Years resolution its more of a don't drop dead at 30 resolution. I was so dam proud of myself last time i made this change in my life and then as soon as i was happy i stopped and as you know its back to square one, well this time i feel i have learnt from my mistakes and I'm dam sure gonna do it this time! I'm ready for all the girl comments that will surely come my way but please understand I'm doing this for the better i wanna look in the mirror and feel something other than shame!

Now with the serious stuff out the way let me tell you about my visit to the gym. Whoever said exercise is good for you is talking out of their arse, in fact i just reckon its just a ploy to suck as much money out of you before you pop your clogs as possible, at no point did i think wow i could be having a pint right now but i would rather be doing this. Anyway i have got ahead of myself so back we go to earlier in the day.
I walked in to the leisure centre said hey to the strange little thing behind the counter, it said her name was Debbie on her name tag seemed to know me i didn't have a clue. Walked into the gym and into and straight into the changing rooms, fear gripped my heart and a horrible thought entered my mind i remember these changing rooms and every time i enter there is always a stark bollock naked old man in there, i held my breath and prayed to Bogdan this was not gonna happen again, the door opened with a creak and sure enough right in my eye line was a 50+ year old browneye winking back at me as if to say welcome back! Why does this always happen do they lie in wait and as soon as the mark enters the area a radio message comes to them 3,2,1 Chuck a browneye Cyril! Anyway back to the story, so after my pleasant greeting i decided it was the norm and got changed Cyril unknown to me has moved to my right so as i turned to grab my trainers out of my bag despair fills my very soul! yes Cyril is now body flossing and giving me full view of old man dong!!!! The gym is good for you Christ i have almost vomited twice and i haven't done anything yet! The door opens and another old man comes in i decide he looks like a Trevor he also starts to nude up, so i leg it past the naked men and leave em to it i have seen enough already today. I get on the bike and the muscles grown back at me as i peddle away and i swear i have never felt so bad in my life i could hear my body screaming, after i had finished my legs where jelly, yep this gonna be a long road! I plow on and it starts getting better, i do admit i wanted to give up at one point but pride wasn't gonna let me, anyway i move on the end of my circuit and there's this guy who obviously thinks he is ace staring at me as if to say I'm better than you, well im sorry mate but at this point in time a jaffa cake is fitter than me, would you stand next to Beckham, Brad Pitt etc and do the same? i think not, so bugger off and take your mincy faggot balls with you!
I Finish my workout tired but happy closing my eyes i walk into the changing room, woot no naked bloke so i get changed but i cant help noticing a musky aroma in the air, thinking it must be me i spray some lynx on and carry on. That smells is now getting more pungent, i look to the right and see the toilet door is shut! yes that's right someone is taking a mighty dump while I'm getting changed just great, its so bad my eyes start to water as just as i leave the toilet flushes and out comes a rather portly fellow, i turn to him tears streaming and say "fuck me have you just slaughtered a cow in there"? He laughed and said "better out than in" and off he trotted.
I'm off there again tomorrow with some trepidation but its for the greater good.

P.s "The Tone" is available for Birthday parties, weddings and bar mitzvah's